I’m 4 days late, but I’ve finally gotten around to writing my first post of the New Year.
Happy New Year, everyone! October, November and early December were very much shitty for me. I was sick on and off with tonsillitis, went through the final stages of a breakup that left me without any sense of direction in my life, and had an overall crappy time. But, thanks to the following (shown in order of importance from least to greatest) I have been able to get over it quite quickly, and have now found a much more fulfilling lifestyle and life direction:
- A very relaxing camping trip
- Cleaning out and putting old mementos into storage
- The comfort of close, dear friends
- A special someone expressing his affection for me and asking me to be his girlfriend (which I accepted)
The last bullet has, in fact, turned into a relationship like one I’ve never had in my entire life. As I’ve expressed to various friends, practically the only item we disagree upon is Cheese. I love cheese with a passion, and he dislikes it with equal passion. We have so much in common, it’s… really uncanny. We’ve even wondered if maybe we’re long lost siblings. But, considering that he’s Dutch, and I’m Mexican, that’s more or less impossible, hehe. Something that made me quite sad, but also very happy, is to realise that I’ve not been this happy in a really long time. In almost a year, in fact. I have tons more to say, but, I figure it’s best left for another time ^_^
My initial idea for blogging was actually about my walk today (though I got carried away in the last paragraph). I’ve gotten into the habit of going walking every afternoon for about an hour. I want to get into shape enough to actually run, but I’m starting with walking, for now. This afternoon, mum wanted me to order pizza, and since the local pizzeria is on a street parallel from my walking route, I figured I’d go and order on my way back from walking.
So, I walked into the pizzeria, and I see at the counter a very upset girl. I could tell she had been crying, cause her heavy dark eyeliner was quite smeared and still drippy. She looked positively miserable. Patiently giving her my order after she rudely asked “What do you want?”, I asked her, as she counted out my change “What’s the matter?”
She looked at me, and gave me a look like “Huh?”
I said, “Well, you look like you’ve been crying, and you look really really sad. I wondered if maybe talking about it might help?”
Of course, if there had been other customers, or if she had looked busy, I wouldn’t have asked her this, but the shop was empty, and there wasn’t anyone else around.
She gave me this completely incredulous look, and told me about how she had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend that morning, and had just gotten her 2-week’s notice of dismissal from work. Not only that, her mother was going to be sent to a nursing home by an older sister, and she was afraid that without her mother’s pension, she’d not be able to pay rent. Then she sat there and cried and cried and cried. While she cried, I told her about about my breakup with JT, and I told her about my plans for moving to PA, and about the things he did that lead to our breakup. We more or less sat there for about a half hour, just… talking.
While I listened to her, I thought about how strange it is that one can sometimes talk to complete strangers about one’s problems sooner than one can talk to a relative or other close person. I wondered if maybe this is a good or bad thing. I suppose, if I would ask my family, they would be somewhat hurt that I’m willing to talk to a stranger online, or at a pizzeria about my sadness before I can talk to them about it. But, at the same time, I would hope that they would be happy that something has been done to alleviate my sadness. This girl, however, told me something which had come up in my mind often, and which two other people have constantly told me: She felt like her life was going nowhere, like anything she tried to do she messed up, she felt like giving up on her life, because life never brought her anything good. She said whenever anything good happened to her, something would come along and steal the joy from her, so what was the point in even trying. She said she had never really tried for anything in her life, because nothing ever came easily for her. Everything was always a challenge.
I shared with her what my current boyfriend, and what my friends had made me come to conclude, and what I’ve already told two other people I care about very much:
Life doesn’t just drop something good down on one’s doorstep. There really is no point in just sitting and waiting and only dreaming about what good things could possibly happen. There’s no point in sitting and being bitter about things that haven’t happened, or things that have happened and have turned sour. Bitterness and despair really are like a perfect circle: We get sad because we are sad because we are sad because we are sad. I told her that I had found a way to actually be more content with my life. The main ingredients are patience and perseverance. I told her about how it is necessary, in hard times like these, to surround ourselves with things that make us actively happy. I asked her if she had any hobbies, she said yes, she used to play the guitar, and she used to work out a lot. She said that when she was fit, she would love to go hiking for hours and explore the forests near here. I told her, why do that again? Why not go back to things that make you happy? She said because she’s not fit. I told her, then get fit. Start working out, and I told her about how I’m going on walks, and eating healthier. I told her, “Maybe getting rid of your job here is a good thing. Maybe it’ll help you keep your mind off of junk food so you can start eating healthier, and have more energy to work out.”
Then she told me about how her recently widowed aunt had asked her to stay with her for some time, and help her take care of her (deceased) uncle’s coffee shop. She told me about how the coffee shop is in Long Beach, and how the scenery is fantastic, and the beach is close by, good for walking/jogging.
Our conversation turned inevitably to my plans, for applying to a Dutch university and learning to play the piano. She actually got up and hugged me, and told me that she was thankful that someone like me had come along to point her in the right direction, to cheer her up. She said she wished there were more people like me in the world, who were willing to take the time to ask someone “what’s wrong”, even if the person looks grouchy and antisocial. She said she wants us to be friends, and she says she wants to keep hearing from me. I told her we can definitely be friends, and we can definitely keep in touch. I said it’d be good to send each other periodic reports on how we were doing, what was new, etc.
I know 2008 has been very bad for a lot of people. And this may sound cliche, but, I really have a very strong hope that this new year will bring a lot of very good things for these same people. But, like someone once told me, hope isn’t enough. It never is. We have to make an effort to, like I said, surround ourselves with things that cheer us up, that will keep our hope for something better alive, that can give us a sense of accomplishment, and a sense that I’m still alive, I can still make my life worth living.
That’s what Stijn, Michiel and RPharazon have given to me.
Thank you so much, guys :’)
