Buh.

Oh, Hi!

I’ve not been here for quiet a long time :O

Let’s see, where to start….

So the surgery was a success; I have no more tonsils! Not only that, I lost like, I dunno how many kilos due to having only fruit smoothies and ice cream for almost three weeks straight. I’m not anemic (I’m quite healthy apparently), so that’s good. The downside is, my body’s doing…. strange things.

An example is when I try to chug something (as in, drink it very quickly, usually out of thirsty), it’ll end up coming out of my nose (the liquid in question). The first time that happened, I was having a strawberry smoothie (milk, sugar, strawberries, blended together for deeleeshoos drink). It was surprisingly painful to try and pick the leetol strawberry seeds out of my nose ._.

Another example is when I drink soda (i.e. Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew). Instead of getting “fizz” up my nose, it happens in my ears! I’ll have to sit there for about 20 seconds (yes, I timed it, 20 seconds average) and not be able to hear much. Hopefully this won’t occur for the rest of my life, though I’ve decided to not drink soda for a bit and see what happens.

I also have trouble speaking. My tongue won’t seem to move the right way with certain words, like “bowl” or “trouble”. It’ll end up coming out as “bool” and “troobl”. It’s somewhat funny, but also embarrassing. Then again, this has lessened over time, so I figure it’s just a matter of re-learning how to use the muscles that have been left behind.

As far as tonsils go, those are the only inconveniences I can think of….

Oh yeah! I have glasses now! I don’t remember what the subscription is, off the top of my head, but below is a new picture. You know what, for the purposes of before and after, let’s give you all before & after pictures. (Sheesh, my nose is huge ._. )

>>BEFORE<<

~~AFTER~~

It’s sort of nuts, huh? I daresay, I’m pleased with the look. (Even my acne problem isn’t so much of a problem anymore.)

I’ve been getting a lot of compliments from various people. I realised I was on a weight “plateau” prior to this surgery, and I guess my body needed something sort of extreme to getting my metabolism jogging again. Since the surgery, I’ve not gained a single kilo.

Moving on:

School has been going rather well. I got a 90% on my most recent exam (it was on the US Court system). Also, I’ve finally reached a new level of inner peace by changing my mind on what career I want to pursue.

Ever since I was a kid, I thought I wanted to be a Crime Scene Investigator. Science likes me, and I like Science (especially Chemistry). I like analyzing stuff (to be blunt/basic). But! I realized I had been wanting to analyze the wrong stuff.

I’ve always sort of had a knack for understanding how people feel and a knack for knowing how to read people. I can almost always tell when a person is lying, or telling the truth. I can pretty much feel what a person is feeling, either by looking at them, listening to what they have to say, or a combination of both. What I need to do is deal with live people, not dead people. I think I can use this (I flatter myself here) “talent” to help people, more than if I analyzed crime scenes. SO! I decided (while in the shower on one lovely Wednesday evening) that I’ll be a Forensic Psychologist.

Everywhere I look, I get the impression that it isn’t going to be an easy road *at all*. It’s definitely going to be tough, but I think I can handle it. I like talking to people, I like understanding people, I like knowing why people do the things they do, react the way they do, and think the way they do. Truth be told, my English Composition skills were markedly higher than my Chemistry skills.

And what’s great about it is, the current branch of Science I’m getting my bachelor’s in right now applies to this same field! Yay!

Let’s see… OH!! OH OH OH OH OH!! I ALMOST FORGOT!! THE BABIES ARE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!

Monkey & Pachona’s chicks hatched! I’ll be posting new pictures tonight, and may also be uploading a video

On the family front, things aren’t so great. There have been a lot of things that have been happening lately, none good. But we’re holding in there as a family, and we’re sure to get through it. There are some things that just need time, to pass, and patience.

On the upside, we’ll be moving house soon-ish. By “soon-ish” I figure within the next 2-3 months. I’m quite fed up living the house we live in at the moment. The only good thing about it is the ridiculously big back yard. Hopefully we’ll be able to get a house that’s in better condition and has the same size back yard \o/

I’m also back at work! I’ll blog later in the weekend about something my lovely boss had the audacity to do, but for now, I think I’ll leave it this post here

*wiggles*

Mexico 2009

Hi!

So, about a week ago my brother, sister and I decided we wanted to go to Mexico even though my parents had to cancel their trip. See, my dad’s the sales supervisor where we work, and my boss will be out of the office for most of next week (or so he says). So my dad has to be in every day to cover.

My siblings and I decided we want to visit Mexico anyway (it was the original plan). First we decided on one week. Then I figured, since I’m over there, and my aunt is a nurse and works at a hospital, I may as well ask to get my enlarged tonsils taken out. They didn’t usually bug me (the tonsils I mean) but lately I feel as if they’re… getting disconnected from my throat. It’s sort of scary, and painful, and for a couple mins I feel as if I can’t talk.

My aunt suggested that I take two weeks, due to the recovery time. I was hesitant, at first: I wouldn’t be getting these two weeks paid. See, I only get a week’s vacation time paid, and my family wanted us to visit Mexico (again) in the summer, so I figured I would ask for my vacation time to be applied then. But, I dunno, I’ve not decided yet on how to handle that yet. We’ll see what happens.

Anywho, my siblings and I leave (via bus) from Los Angeles to Durango, Mexico tomorrow morning. The bus goes out at 7am… Need I mention I am terrified?

I’ve never been out of the country, much less being in charge of my siblings. It’s going to be a long trip, it’ll take about a day and a half, and I’m sort of wondering now whether or not I should have opted for air transportation. It’s…. scary, the stories I have heard about people getting lost/kidnapped at the US-MX border. Hopefully we won’t have to get off of the bus very often. I figure a rest-stop once or twice would be fine….

Bah, I’m just horribly anxious. Both about the surgery, and the trip itself. I’ll be glad when I’m safely at my grandparents’ house, and safely back at my parents’ house.

._.

Burgers & Coffee

Hi!

I had a Burger King Whopper for lunch today, for the first time in… Oh I dunno, almost a month, I think. I noticed something I’ve been getting into the habit of doing, and I wonder if it’s because of the “diet” I’ve put myself on.

I took a bite of the burger and, although it’s one of my favourite burgers, it really tasted icky D:

I’ve been eating a lot healthier lately, mostly vegetables and fruits, cereals and things with lots of fiber, and I’ve been feeling great. It really *is* amazing what an improvement I’ve felt since making these changes. I also make sure to always have breakfast in the morning. Since I’ve done this, I feel more energy, I feel like I can focus better, etc. etc.

This could all be psychological, but, hey, it’s making me feel good! Not only that, I have lost weight :O

I used to eat less food (quantity), but with a higher fat/caloric value, and I always felt sluggish, and felt the need to have coffee in the morning to wake up and function well. But, not anymore!

Anyway, back to the burger. I took the bite (ick) and started peeling back the bread. I pretty much ended up discarding the bread, and eating just the lettuce and veggies, and meat and cheese. ( <3 cheese)

I was wondering if maybe I could cut out bread completely from my diet, and not have any at all, since I’ve developed such an aversion to it, and not have my health suffer for it. Even though whole-wheat bread is supposedly good for digestion, lately I just don’t feel the desire for it. My cravings are more green things like salads and such.

Here’s another thing: Decaf.

I have tried about 5 different brands of decaffeinated coffee, and PLEH!

Really, why does it taste so horrible!? Does anyone know of any company out there that makes a decaffeinated cup o’ joe that doesn’t taste like crap?

I mean, jeez, even Sanka tastes better ._.

For now I don’t mind dealing with Earl Grey every morning (Twinnings is especially nice), but I do miss the taste of Coffee

What else what else… Oh! The Mexico trip has been canceled while my parents figure out whether or not they want to join us. Apparently it’d be cheaper to travel by car there and back, than for us to hop on a plane/bus and travel that way.

While they figure that out, I have to figure out what I’m gonna do about my birds. I can always leave tons of food for them, but parakeets need a daily source of fresh water to stay healthy. See, they sometimes bathe or dunk themselves in the water (out of being silly, or as a way to cool down), so they’ll leave feathers and droppings in the water. The last thing I want is to come home from a great trip to discover that all my birds died of poop-poisoning ;_;

AND SO! I have though about putting a little fountain type of thing in their cage. Maybe use an aquarium pump and a water filter, to filter the water, and pump the water, so they can have fresh water. That’ll also eliminate the need for me to change their water daily (not that I mind, sometimes I rush it though, since I get busy).

But the cooffeeeeeee, any suggestions? I wish Lewis was still around, he’d probably know a good decaf ;_;

I miss Lewis ;________________________;

Pantry

Sometimes I wish the human brain was like a pantry. The way my mum arranges the pantry is, there’s cans and things (of food) and she keeps them organised by food type. She uses them little by little, and then restocks whatever needs restocking. If there’s some foodstuff we don’t like, she doesn’t buy it (unless it’s something like sardines, which is good for you >_> )

I wish my brain worked that way, to organise memories. I could keep the ones I like, and discard the ones I dislike. If there’s some memory I would be allergic to (the way my little brother is allergic to peanuts) I simply would forget it (as in, not re-stock it, the way my mum doesnt’ restock on peanut butter).

Life would be so much easier for me to deal with, I think, if I didn’t have so many memories that cause me…. that angst, and pain… you know, the kind that puts a really heavy weight on one’s chest, and causes knots in one’s throat.

It’s weird, cause the memories that cause me this “pain” really flip me out. Instead of the usual listener, I become a really really whiny bitch. Like this weekend, while chatting with a couple friends, one friend brought up a situation he’s in with a girl, and is confused about. It reminded me so much of the way the person who hurt me used to tell me about his friends, that it completely ruined my day. Mind you, the friend didn’t ruin my day. Rather, the memory I associated him with, ruined my day. Now that only the pain and guilt of having potentially injured a friend’s feelings (by not being there for him, when he has been there for me so much) are left over, I realize how (for lack of a better word) much of an ungrateful ass I’ve been.

At the time though, I couldn’t really help it. The person who hurt me was such a central part of my life, that now that he’s gone, and my plans are shattered, and there’s nothing there to replace all the angst and grief and fear that he’s left me with, the only things I have to reflect on are that angst and grief and fear. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy.

Other than that, my weekend wasn’t so bad. I really ruined it for myself, as usual. Saturday was quite well (though I had something like mental constipation and I couldn’t concentrate on studying or on writing); but it was otherwise uneventful (which these days is a godsend).

I found out Sunday morning that my mum and siblings wanted to go to Mexico as soon as this next month. For some reason, the idea of my mother and father being away from each other really bothers me (to the point of tears), so I asked if it’d  be better for me to travel in place of my mother. It seemed like a good idea all around, so that’s what’ll be happening.

My siblings and I will be leaving on the 4th, if any tickets are available, and will be returning a week later.

This trip should give me a couple of things to plan out, I think. I’m hoping it’ll keep me busy enough to keep my mind off otherwise painful thoughts. I can’t say I’m excited, but I can certainly try harder to force all that pain to become energy I can use, instead of just letting it cripple me. After all, like a good friend said, we’re still young. Not everyone finds “true love” in their 20s these days, which is a good enough point. There’s still time, I shouldn’t be in any sort of rush. All I need is patience.

It really bugs me that this sort of angst should take up so much of my life. Have I really become like the people I would always criticise for needing the existence of a significant other to validate their own existence? Am I really just afraid of being alone, or… what?

Maybe all I need is to rationalise things a little more. Once I rationalise them, and realise why I’m acting the way I’m acting, I can go back to being happily numb ^.^

Another thing I think fueled my little episode, is my boss. Last Friday he took me aside and asked that I “stop the chitchat” and “leave the chitchat for after hours”. It really bugs me, as I spend 8 hours straight in the office. It’s a bit long to go 8 hours without talking about anything that isn’t work related. It’s sort of difficult to explain, how demanding he is. He’s in a “we’re in a recession” mentality, and is picking on people wherever he can. I’ve decided (once and for all) that after this whole vacation period (for we’re going as a family to Mexico in July) I’ll start looking for another job. I don’t mind earning a bit less. Of course the money’s very good, but to be forced to sit in one place, in one attitude, for 8 hours straight, is more than I can take for my $10.50/hr and 3% commission. It’s just… It’s really quite ridiculous.

But oh well. Have to deal with it for now. At least not forever

I’ve also decided that I may get a puppy, after this vacation period. Of course, the scooter I want to get comes first (I’ll need a way of transporting myself from home to my new job), but I think maybe having a puppy will ebb away at the loneliness I’ve been feeling. I’ve decided, also, on a Border Collie. They’re incredibly smart, and really friendly, very loyal, and they don’t eat much :3

Also! I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that Martin signed onto IRC, and left right before I had a chance to say hi. I woke up feeling sad, and a bit silly, hehe.

To top it all off, I feel as if I’m getting a cold!

I’ll end this post with a silly fact I learned on QI, and have been flaunting all over the place:

In 1987 (the year of my birth) it was discovered that the Greeks made dildoes out of bread.

*hides*

Breakfast

Hi!
Why blogging so early, you ask? (Or maybe you don’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway.) It’s because I have various things to blog about, and am slightly concerned I will lose the desire to blog as the day goes on. I always decide to leave blogging ’till later in the day (since most of my inspiration comes early in the hours of 2am – 10am), but then end up tired, or annoyed, or I forget, and don’t blog. But here I am now, at 8.40am!
I feel somewhat silly this morning. My mum packs my lunch usually (since she’s such a lovely caring mum), so I don’t always know what goes into my little lunch box.
Well! This morning I pull out a little bowl with tuna salad in it. I go “Yum!” and eat it up. Later on, while looking through the rest of the food, I find: an apple, a pear, a cup of milk and…. a bowl of cereal! I’m not sure how I missed it, but, I automatically went -________________-  Obviously my mother meant for me to have cereal as breakfast. Which is, of course, logical. I feel quite silly, having had my lunch for breakfast, and (ultimately) having breakfast for lunch. I can only hope it doesn’t cause some rip in space and time and suck me into a black hole containing all the people who have in the past consumed foodstuffs at inappropriate times. Like when making phone calls, and eating! I forgot to put that on my Pet Peeves post!
Another thing I wanted to mention, was the awesome new bag I bought. Not only is it a messenger bag (which is cool in itself ;3) but it has my favourite Samurai Champloo character in it: Jin.
Only those who have ever seen Samurai Champloo can understand the awesomeness that is Jin. His stoic, yet somewhat comedic, demeanor compliments Mugen’s character perfectly. The interesting thing about the dynamics between the two is that, they can exist without each other and retain their own character, but when they’re put in the same setting, sparks just fly. I’ll put up pictures of my bag some time later in the week :3
I also wanted to give an update on my birds. Pachona is definitely going to lay eggs again. Her nesting behaviour is starting to look somewhat like an OCD, though. She’ll hop into her nestbox, spin around a couple times, go outside, grab a bit of food, hop back into her nestbox, eat it, spin around a couple times, rinse and repeat. It worries me a bit, since I’ve always had a fear of one of my birds being egg-bound. The first parakeet I ever had (Tarugo) was egg-bound, and she died (after losing most of her tail feathers, and getting painfully bloated). I suppose it’s a bit of a trauma I have, and I pamper my birds by getting them the absolute best food and vitamins on the market (which can often get *quite* expensive).
Speaking of money, another thing I was thinking about is summer plans. It seems that, now that our family can travel in and out of the country, a summer trip to Mexico is in the conceptual process! I was wondering (for those who have traveled, out there) if there are any recommendations on the amount of money to be had? Of course I’m thinking of things like food, fuel, etc. I’m not sure if we’re leaving by plane, or on the road yet though….

Anywho, any suggestions? :3

Pet Peeves

Hi!

While going over some posts in this here blog, I noticed I had written a lot about things I like, but not really much about things I dislike. So, I tried to put together a list of:

Pet Peeves!

• When people unecessarily use scissors to open things such as: bags from snacks (such as crisps, cookies, chocolate, candies, chewing gum, cupcakes, muffins), office supplies (such as post-it notes, staples), and other similarly packaged articles. What’s the point? The enclosure is going in the rubbish bin anyway.
• When a coworker is aware of someone else taking his/her lunch break at a certain time, and messing up the schedule by taking his/her own lunch at the same time, thereby leaving no one in the office to answer the phone.
• People complaining about something which does not affect them. For example: A warehouse employee constantly complains about the way the fans make so much noise in the office. He’s not in the office all day. His complaint, therefore, is meaningless. He continues, however, to complain. Gr.
• Customers assuming that an “Estimate” is an actual commitment. Such as: An estimated bid completion time. For example: “What time do you think you’ll have the quote done?” “Well, depending on the project, I think a safe estimate is around tomorrow afternoon.” The customer then calls my boss at 2pm, saying that I “promised” to have the bid done by noon, and that he didn’t receive anything. Gr.
• When coworkers deliberately manipulate information found on existing paperwork to shift the blame on some mistake onto another person. GR.

And all of a sudden this turns into an entry reflecting my dislike for my current employment. Though, I’m happy to say that, now that my permanent residency has been approved, I have more…. freedom! I can quit, if I like, and look for a job elsewhere. That in itself relieves a lot more stress. Though, the way things are right now, I think I’ll wait another…. I dunno, six months, till I start looking for a job. Maybe even wait till I decide to move out or if my parents decide on buying a house (which means moving house). We shall see.

Moar pet peeves!

• Lip-smacking. Especially during eating. It must be one of the more popular pet peeves around, I would think. But I find it really annoying.
• Loud groans and moans of pleasure during a meal. An “Mmm!” is okay, but “MMMMm OOHH WOOOW MMMMMM *GROOOOOAN* SOO GOOD MMMMM” is just ridiculous >:|
• Being reached over during dinner. As in, someone wants, say, the table salt, and instead of asking for it to be passed, the person reaches over my plate of food and over me, to get to the salt. Maybe the person can say he didn’t want to bother me during my meal, but I’d much rather be asked to pass the damn salt, than have my personal space invaded.

I’m tired of being so grumpy now, that’s all for today ^.^

Many Updates, you can has them.

Hi!

I’ve not blogged in ages, but here I am again

All the updates so far are in good tones, and good spirits. Though, at the moment, I’m feeling quite low, (always am when I blog, hm), lots of good things have been happening. The most imperative is the situation with my uncle who, as you may or may not know, was shot some time ago.

He was released from the hospital, per my previous post, but he got pneumonia and ended up in the hospital again. After some surgery (in which he lost a *lot* of blood) he was placed in an Intensive Care Unit. After the surgery, we were prepared for the worst: we didn’t think he would make it. The doctors insisted he take a transfusion, but due to his own personal desires, he refused it. The doctors advised us that without blood, he wouldn’t make it.

Days passed, and his hemoglobin level dropped to 5. According to doctors, he had about as much blood as a healthy toddler. Still, he refused a transfusion. More days passed, and he was administered medicine which encouraged red blood cell multiplication. Still, the doctors said he wouldn’t make it.

A week ago, he was released, to go home

He’s currently at home, now, resting. He can walk, he can talk. He’s had at least two major operations in the last two months (one to remove the bullet from his long, and one to remove coagulated liquid from the pneumonia). He will most likely never be able to continue heavy work as he had before. Therefore, a petition has been made to the Governor of Durango to have him receive a pension for light work, as in, permanent disability.

I’ve never known him to be an idle person. I know that as soon as he is able, he will insist on working, but we’re all going to keep an eye out for him, so he won’t push it

But yes, we’re all relieved, and very happy.

Strange thing, today I heard my coworker’s uncle died of leukemia. I felt my stomach fall out, and my heart hurt so badly for him. I know what it’s like, to be afraid that a dear uncle will die, and that he is suffering. But my uncle won his battle. I can only imagine how my coworker feels….

On a lighter note, I’m finally considering buying my first car! But I’m really really confused

I’m caught between my aunt’s 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, and a Piaggio Scooter.

One one hand, my aunt is asking for $4,500 for the Jeep, and she needs the money. I’m sure she’d let it to me for cheaper, and even let me pay for it in monthly installments, but she needs the money, due to her family’s current situation.

On the other hand, I’m really falling for this: http://www.piaggiousa.com/scooters.php#/overview/Piaggio%20FLY%20150 I just think they’re really… practical. But the more I tell people, the more I hear about how dangerous they are D:

I dunno, I’ve got about a month to think about it. We may be taking the Jeep to my aunt in Texas within a month. I’ll be giving it plenty of thought….

Office Supplies

G’morning!

I’m sitting at the office right now, and, unlike the last week or so, I feel very… awake! I finally got a full night’s rest (after about a week of getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night) so I feel quite refreshed.

This may seem like a very trivial thing to fret over considering what the last week has dumped on me (Get it? “Dumped”? Har har.) BUT! it’s really annoying me.

I can’t figure out how to arrange my office supplies!! Since the kind my boss buys are all really cheap, I’ve bought my own stapler/staple wires, clear tape, pens, pencils and highlighters. I have it all in one drawer, but it looks HORRIBLY unorganised.

Anywho, my real intention was to respond to the kind comments from various people (including those comments on the blog entry before this):

Hi! Again!

Thanks very much Thor-Rune, welshdragon, and Martin! (Hi Martin!)

The reason behind the shooting was to kidnap the CEO of this Truckers’ Union. The reason behind that is yet unclear to me.

My uncle was released from the hospital on Tuesday of this week in stable condition. He’s quite weak, but he can walk. His girlfriend is a nurse, so she’s taking care of him at her place. I feel confident he’ll recuperate! I have no doubts he’ll make a full come back!

He told us some pretty interesting things about what happened, though. It seems that the same people who tried to kidnap his boss (the CEO of this Trucking Company / Union) are also responsible for the kidnaping and murder of 4 individuals, whose bodies were found in an abandoned house near ours. And it seems they may be responsible for many other kidnappings/murders.

A lady visited my uncle, while he was in the hospital. It seems her son, and the son of many other women whom she was representing, had been kidnapped by these people. She went to the hospital to offer my uncle her, and all these other families’ support. She also asked him to participate with her and these other women in the front lines of a march they’re going to be organising, to protest the lack of initiative and the lack of courage shown by the police in this area. According to the local newspapers, the police seem reluctant to show any results on what they’ve found, or further pursue these criminals. The newspapers say it’s due to cowardice on behalf of the police force.

The CEO of the truckers’ company made some very controversial comments to the newspaper about this situation. If I remember correctly he said something to the effect that the police force was all “for show” or “in writing” and had no actual control over crime. These statements only added fuel to the fire that is social unrest, of course.

My uncle hasn’t said whether or not he’ll participate… it’s sort of a double edged sword… If these people are powerful enough to scare even the police force (because it doesn’t seem that bribery is what’s going on), then I’d be afraid for all these women and for my uncle, should they go on with this protest. At the same time, maybe it would shake things up enough for the police (or even the government) to see that their passivity in these cases is infuriating an already repressed populace.

I dunno… It’s… I can’t really say “YEAH, GO FOR IT!” And cheer for him, etc. But at the same time, he’s already a hero in so many people’s eyes, and his case seems to have gotten a lot of fame. It’d be the perfect opportunity to maybe make a difference in the way Criminal Justice is dealt in Mexico.

Also, at first the newspapers said there were no casualties. I found it rather heartwarming when they edited their articles to show that there *had* been one casualty: the CEO’s dog, who tried to protect my uncle and his master, was gunned down by one of the kidnappers. *Happy Tear* Such a good boy :’)

Now, for something completely unrelated.

Thor-Rune commented the following:

And on the other part of your blog. Shouldn’t the emotional aspects be what people are looking for in others? The physical aspect is nice, closeness, I can easily admit that i love more those of my friends that i cuddle with. But, with “I can only do so much”, i read that as something more than just simple cuddle, right? And really, that shouldn’t be nececerry, i honestly don’t understand the need or urge to go beyound simple cuddeling, closeness – no, uhm, genitals involved. Even in a girlfriend. Though this is a topic hard to properly discuss in the comments field of a blog :p

Well, yes, you’re right, the emotional aspect is what one would hope most people look for in a relationship. But… I don’t think I can blame anyone for dumping another person who lives on the other side of the planet, or even on the other side of the country. It’s true that emotions are a very important part of a relationship… But, it’s painful and frustrating when you want to hug a person who you can’t even be in the same room with. Some people just *need* physical closeness in order to feel…. I don’t know, secure? Loved? I’m not sure how to explain it, but I do understand the reasons behind it.

I’m not bitter or anything, to be honest. I’m just not going to date for a while. I’m gonna try and focus on my studies and work. For sure I know I’ll never EVER go into a long-distance relationship ever again. I’ve learned my lesson, heh.

Now… these office supplies… I wonder if I should bring a mug, or something, in which to keep all my writing utensils, and… Bah. I dunno :/

And slowly, you start to realise…

Hi!

I’m really sad today. Three things have me down. One of those three, that I don’t mind sharing, is about my uncle.

My uncle became a hero today! He helped his boss into a hiding place, so he (the boss) wouldn’t be killed. My uncle, though, was shot. A bullet entered his side, and, though the bullet went right through him, and missed any vital organs, the damage was done: it broke two of his ribs, and he was in danger of having those ribs collapse the lung they protected. His treatment would have been much easier, but he’s diabetic. It’s one of the worst complications a blood loss patient could have, they say.

I did my best to keep a confident and happy demeanor for the majority of the day. I could tell some of my relatives were close to having a breakdown but I kept assuring them that my aunt (who is a nurse) saves people in the hospital she works at every day. See, she works at the hospital where my uncle was taken, and he is under her care. All the more reason to be confident that he will be all right.

Even so… I have a horrible gut feeling. Something tells me he may not survive the night. They said he was stable, but I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid something will go wrong. When I feel for sure that things will go right, I don’t doubt. I have a lot of doubt this time. Maybe it’s just anxiety, because he is my favourite and kindest of all uncles…. But I’m really scared for him.

The two other reasons are just social reasons. Thinking about the other two reasons I am sad is what made me remember a song, though. It says :

And slowly, you come to realize
it’s all as it should be
you can only do so much
if you’re game enough
you could place your trust in me
for the love of life
there’s a trade off
we could lose it all
but we’ll go down fighting

The last time I felt low like this, the person I tried to convince to believe in that, with me, didn’t want to. And so we parted ways. And yes, it hurt. It hurt a lot. And it always hurts when I feel like I’m the only one with hope. It always hurts to see people crying, and that hurt, for me, turns into raging frustration. A feeling of frustration that makes me remember all the things I hate about myself. My inability to travel outside of the country, my inability to live on my own, my inability to even do the things I want with the things I have.

But, this song pretty much summed up what I’ve been feeling, to comfort myself. I’m still getting used to thinking this way. It feels like a cop out, but what else is there? Things really are the way they should be.

Things are the way they are for a reason. My uncle was in the right place (at work) at the right time (he saved a life). He’s a hero! I’m so proud of him. But he’s hurt. And there’s nothing I can do, or would be able to do, should he pass away, to ease my mother’s anxiety, fear, and pain. I can only do so much.

There are people who get to know me, and end up not liking me. Some do like me very much, but feel that hoping for more from me is a waste of time, or is meaningless, as someone called it. What can I do? I can only offer what I currently have. I have a lot to offer emotionally, but physically… at the moment, I can only do so much.

There may be people I can trust, out there. I feel there are at least three people (apart from my family) who I can truly trust. And why not trust them? It’s people I’ve shared secrets with. Rather, I’ve traded secrets with them. Not all of them know the same secrets (though maybe one person knows all the secrets and the other two don’t). And maybe, some day, those friendships will go down in flames, for whatever reason. Maybe, some day, these friends will end up hating me. But, I’m going to have hope that it won’t happen that way. I’m going to trust in my own ability to be reasonable, and to be enjoyable, and I will fight this despair I feel from time to time. I will do everything I can, to keep my friends, and to keep the one I love. But there is only so much I can do, right now.

I’m going to trust in my aunt’s and the doctors’ ability to save my uncle. I’m going to trust in my mother’s strength to keep herself together. I’m going to trust my own ability to comfort her. But should they fail, should my mother falter, should I not be able to comfort my mother, I will remember that I am not perfect. I will remember that I am human, and have limited capabilities.

But maybe some day, this despair will get the best of me. And if that should happen, I don’t know what really will happen.

But I’ll definitely not give in without a fight.

Nachos

I named this blog Nachos, cause I was going to blog about the local ice cream truck man who also sells nachos, but this looked a *lot* more interesting:

[conversation from Friday 9/1/2009]

[18:30] <Tenebrae> hrm
[18:30] <Tenebrae> ^,^ really does look like an owl
[18:31] <RPharazon> It does, doesn’t it?
[18:31] <RPharazon> I quite like it.
[18:31] <Tenebrae> me too
[18:31] <Tenebrae> like >:3 is a monobrow lion
[18:31] <Tenebrae> hrm
[18:31] <Tenebrae> O,O
[18:31] <Tenebrae> sort of like an owl
[18:31] <Tenebrae> o,o
[18:31] <Tenebrae> i like that one better
[18:32] <RPharazon> “For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”
[18:33] <Tenebrae> then he doesn’t really have the whole world, does he ^,^
[18:33] <RPharazon> Yus.
[18:33] <RPharazon> Reminds me a lot of what is happening today.
[18:33] <Tenebrae> what’s that?
[18:33] <RPharazon> People are looking to gain the world, but lose their souls in the process.
[18:33] <RPharazon> What are riches when you can lose them in a few days?
[18:34] <Tenebrae> the idea of riches, though, is that they help you gain other things
[18:34] <Tenebrae> purrhapsh, example
[18:34] <Tenebrae> lots of money = big teevee = moar fun on ecksbawks = more fun with friends = friends over more often = less lonely
[18:34] <Tenebrae> but then to keep those friends entertained you need foods
[18:35] <Tenebrae> so foods = moneys
[18:35] <RPharazon> Yus, but those are small gains.
[18:35] <Tenebrae> I don’t think being less lonely is a small gain
[18:35] <Tenebrae> it keeps some people from committing suicidde
[18:35] <Tenebrae> to me, helping someone stay alive
[18:35] <Tenebrae> giving someone a reason for living
[18:35] <Tenebrae> is worth a lot more than any amount of money

[18:36] <RPharazon> Exactly.
[18:36] <Tenebrae> some people do end up working their lives away just for others
[18:36] <RPharazon> Money cannot comfort you if you have no friends. Riches cannot comfort you if you are self-interested.
[18:36] <Tenebrae> even if it’s for small moments of happiness
[18:36] <Tenebrae> well, no
[18:36] <Tenebrae> but, I think, everyone is to a certain degree self-interested
[18:36] <RPharazon> True.
[18:36] <Tenebrae> it makes me happy to make others happy
[18:36] <Tenebrae> so, I make others happy for my own benefit
[18:36] <RPharazon> But not to the point of many financial pundits today.
[18:37] <Tenebrae> I suppose
[18:37] <RPharazon> I think Jesus was talking about power and wealth there, not small gains or mortal comforts.
[18:37] <wallyweb> RPharazon: Environmental Irony >> http://www.newtimesslo.com/news/1604/outfoxed/
[18:37] <RPharazon> Could you be happy with one million dollars?
[18:38] <Tenebrae> it’s sort of annoying, though, when the media does their supposed exposures of rich people
[18:38] <wallyweb> no
[18:38] <RPharazon> Now, think about the difference in happiness if you had 50 billion dollars.
[18:38] <Tenebrae> and show the rich men and wimmin in their fancy ass cars
[18:38] <Tenebrae> I wonder if they ever think about what if they have their fancy ass cars to have their children be proud of them for doing something
[18:38] <Tenebrae> like at school, there’s always the little kid with the fat mom in the station wagon who wants to be dropped off at the farthest corner of the school
[18:39] <Tenebrae> and then there’s the other kid with the milf mom in the BMW who wants to be dropped off right at the door
[18:39] <Tenebrae> of course, it doesn’t give the milf mom’s husband the right to embezzel or steal, or, like, do illegal things
[18:39] <Tenebrae> but I wonder if the media, or the media’s audience to be more exact, ever cares about showing things like that
[18:40] <RPharazon> Well, it’s a weird social condition, innit?
[18:40] <RPharazon> I personally can’t find any rationale in worshipping celebrities and status items like that.
[18:40] <RPharazon> They may have a BMW, but what does that matter?
[18:40] <Tenebrae> neither do I, but it’s what we’re fed every day
[18:40] <RPharazon> Are they better people in any way?
[18:40] <Tenebrae> not necessarily

[18:40] <Tenebrae> but, they are rich
[18:40] <Tenebrae> and that’s gotta come from somewhere
[18:40] <wallyweb> [22:38:10] <RPharazon> Now, think about the difference in happiness if you had 50 billion dollars. << It’s not the money … It’s the power it buys
[18:41] <RPharazon> True.
[18:41] <Tenebrae> if it’s inheritence, well, maybe the dad or the grandad was a genius executive
[18:41] <Tenebrae> and they get to be proud of that
[18:41] <RPharazon> But tell me, would you be happier living a simple life with the things you like to do, or living a vastly complicated life with so much money that you don’t know what to do with it?
[18:41] <Tenebrae> there’s always something to do with money
[18:42] <RPharazon> What is wealth and power if you are not happy with yourself?
[18:42] <Tenebrae> well, yeah
[18:42] <Tenebrae> there’s always the rich wife who overdoses on painkillers cause her husband never pays attention to her
[18:42] <Tenebrae> BUT
[18:42] <Tenebrae> the husband may have done all that for her
[18:43] <Tenebrae> you know
[18:43] <Tenebrae> to make her happy/comfortable/whatever
[18:43] <Tenebrae> proud, even
[18:43] <Tenebrae> hrm
[18:43] <wallyweb> That’s because he’s busy scamming for the money he thinks he needs to buy stuff for his wife.
[18:43] <Tenebrae> but what if he’s not scamming
[18:43] <Tenebrae> what if he’s really making honest money
[18:44] <wallyweb> that is a rarety
[18:44] <RPharazon> It is an exception, not a rule.
[18:44] <Tenebrae> I don’t think it’s as rare as people think
[18:44] <wallyweb> it is
[18:44] <Tenebrae> call me naive, then
[18:44] <RPharazon> Deep down inside, is that honest man with his honest money truly happy with himself?
[18:44] <wallyweb> hello Naive, my name is wallyweb
[18:44] <RPharazon> Is his life what he envisioned when he was a child?

[18:45] <Tenebrae> if he’s achieving his goal, I think he is
[18:45] <RPharazon> People can achieve goals without knowing why.
[18:45] <Tenebrae> if wha the does gives meaning to his life
[18:45] <Tenebrae> and he’s proud of it
[18:45] <Tenebrae> and he likes to do what he’s doing
[18:45] <Tenebrae> and everything he cares about is done right
[18:45] <Tenebrae> and going well
[18:45] <Tenebrae> then, I’d say he’s happy
[18:45] <RPharazon> I have several friends in these advanced classes working their asses off and suffering, but they don’t even know why they are doing it. They don’t know what they want to do after they graduate, and they honestly don’t know why they are studying so hard to achieve that goal.
[18:45] <wallyweb> Other than doctors, nobody, and I mean nobody, makes a lot of money without taking advantage of somebody else.
[18:46] <Tenebrae> even saying that, wally, I think you could apply it to doctors too
[18:46] <Tenebrae> they make a living off of other people’s illnesses
[18:47] <RPharazon> Aye, but they cure those illnesses, not exacerbate.
[18:47] <Tenebrae> not all of them
[18:47] <wallyweb> true … but they don’t make the patiewnts sick to accomplish it
[18:47] <wallyweb> *patients
[18:47] <RPharazon> They do not take advantage of them because they can’t.
[18:47] <Tenebrae> maybe not, but you always hear about that one kid with cancer who can’t afford an opperation
[18:47] <Tenebrae> why can’t he afford it?
[18:48] <Tenebrae> if the doctor’s so kind, and not in it for the money, I’m sure he can pull strings to get it done for free
[18:48] <wallyweb> because he does not live in Canada
[18:48] <Tenebrae> or at least get the price reduced so the child’s family can afford it
[18:48] <RPharazon> It’s not that easy, Tenebrae.
[18:48] <RPharazon> He could lose his medical license.
[18:48] <Tenebrae> then, why isn’t some Canadian doctor’s heart be moved to get the child to Canada somehow?
[18:48] <Tenebrae> well that’s my point, RPharazononononon
[18:48] <Tenebrae> it’s so difficult to really say who’s happy and who isn’t
[18:49] <RPharazon> Why heal one person when you can heal so many others in the future?

[18:49] <wallyweb> Tenebrae: They actually do that
[18:49] <Tenebrae> I’m convinced there are plenty of super rich people out there that are really happy with their lives
[18:49] <RPharazon> Why is that one person worth the lives of everyone else?
[18:49] <Tenebrae> wallyweb, that’s another point, why don’t I ever hear about things like that?
[18:49] <Tenebrae> RPharazon, I didn’t say it’d have to sacrifice another person’s life
[18:49] <RPharazon> Media.
[18:49] <wallyweb> because the media do not report it
[18:49] <Tenebrae> that’s another point
[18:49] <RPharazon> Nobody ever says “Plane lands safely” and nobody ever says “Cars drive fine on the roads”.
[18:50] <Tenebrae> exactly
[18:50] <RPharazon> They say “Plane crashes with 200 fatalities” and “Car jackknives into a school bus.”
[18:50] <RPharazon> People live on misery, practically.
[18:50] <Tenebrae> they report what’s out of the common.
[18:50] <Tenebrae> what’s out of the ordinary
[18:50] <Tenebrae> like the tree man
[18:50] <Tenebrae> or, the columbine shooting
[18:50] <Tenebrae> or, I dunno
[18:50] <Tenebrae> any number of things
[18:51] <wallyweb> “I’m convinced there are plenty of super rich people out there that are really happy with their lives” and completely oblivious to the less fortunate they trampled on to get there.
[18:51] <Tenebrae> yep
[18:51] <Tenebrae> but they’re happy
[18:51] <Tenebrae> someone told me earlier today that it’s easy to not care too much about the people one doesn’t know
[18:52] <Tenebrae> I’m sure those rich people are aware of things like sweat shops and child prostitution
[18:52] <Tenebrae> and things like that
[18:52] <wallyweb> it’s a fact
[18:52] <Tenebrae> it’s just that people don’t *care*
[18:52] <Tenebrae> at least not enough to do something about it
[18:52] <Tenebrae> I think that’s more or less my problem with the world

[18:53] <Tenebrae> and, watch this
[18:53] <Tenebrae> if I try and convince people to care
[18:53] <Tenebrae> they call me an extremist!
[18:53] <wallyweb> “The shareholders expect me to deliver a profit”
[18:53] <Tenebrae> they say I’m annoying for bothering them
[18:53] <Tenebrae> if I go from house to house saying “you need to care, and this is why”
[18:53] <Tenebrae> they yell at me to gtfo
[18:53] <Tenebrae> and not push my views on them
[18:54] <wallyweb> They are selfish by nature
[18:54] <Tenebrae> I don’t think so
[18:54] <RPharazon> What truly amazes me about mass media is the tendency to love animals.
[18:54] <wallyweb> and have lost their sense of community
[18:54] <Tenebrae> no, I don’t think it’s that either
[18:54] <RPharazon> I see some animals are fed better than most children in Africa and some parts of Asia.
[18:55] <Tenebrae> RPharazon, go out and protest, and they’ll call you an Activist
[18:55] <wallyweb> RPharazon: It’s the “cute” factor
[18:55] <Tenebrae> wallyweb, you think a dog is cuter than a child?
[18:55] <Tenebrae> well.
[18:55] <Tenebrae> hrm.
[18:55] <RPharazon> Do you think a dog can get more accomplished than a child?
[18:55] * Tenebrae ’s coworker’s kid is NOT cuter than my birds .-.
[18:55] <wallyweb> not me … but there are many that do
[18:55] <RPharazon> Do you think that a dog can be conscious of its thoughts and actions?
[18:55] <Tenebrae> I think so, yes
[18:55] <Tenebrae> but not more than a child
[18:55] <RPharazon> Do you think a dog can become a doctor, a teacher, a philosopher?
[18:56] <Tenebrae> you never know
[18:56] <RPharazon> Do you think a dog can make a positive contribution to human society as a whole?
[18:56] <Tenebrae> it can save lives in wreckages!

[18:56] <wallyweb> yes
[18:56] <RPharazon> What makes that dog more special than a child?
[18:56] <Tenebrae> an a child do that?
[18:56] <Tenebrae> *can
[18:56] <wallyweb> yes
[18:56] <RPharazon> A child that grows up, yes?
[18:56] <Tenebrae> would you honestly let a leetl kid loose amongst a collapsed building to find survivors? :O
[18:56] <Tenebrae> RPharazon you’re so cruel D:
[18:56] * Tenebrae lololololols
[18:56] <Tenebrae> I really hate people
[18:56] <Tenebrae> the lazy people
[18:57] <Tenebrae> I honestly think people are inherently lazy.
[18:57] <RPharazon> Would you rather see a dog go hungry, or a human child?
[18:57] <Tenebrae> well, if we keep the dog fat enough, we could feed the human child
[18:57] <RPharazon> A child that was just like you, with dreams and ambitions and thoughts of their own.
[18:57] <wallyweb> I’ll feed the child … the dog can hunt
[18:58] <Tenebrae> see, I looked at it the romantic way, comparing animals and kids
[18:58] <Tenebrae> and I know that any person would rather feed a kid than a dog
[18:58] <Tenebrae> it’s just, logic.
[18:58] <Tenebrae> people don’t need to be taught that
[18:58] <Tenebrae> if they have a starving dog, and a starving kid RIGHT IN THEI FACE
[18:58] <Tenebrae> they’re gonna feed the kid, duh.
[18:58] <Tenebrae> but what about the kid over in whatever 3rd world country
[18:58] <Tenebrae> they don’t have the kid right in their face
[18:58] <Tenebrae> and television and leaflets and the internet has lost its charmed
[18:58] <Tenebrae> *charm
[18:58] <Tenebrae> people are so desensitised
[18:58] <wallyweb> exactly …
[18:59] <Tenebrae> they’re lazy.

[18:59] <RPharazon> People say “Someone else will do it” or “That child will pull through”
[18:59] <Tenebrae> or they just change the channel
[18:59] <Tenebrae> must easier to not even think about it
[18:59] <RPharazon> Then they spend $100 on a fucking dog jacket so the poor little chihuahua won’t fucking freeze to death at +10C.
[18:59] <Tenebrae> or, if they do
[18:59] <wallyweb> but whatclouds the interaction is that they have problems of their own
[18:59] <Tenebrae> they say “that charity probably keeps all the money”
[18:59] <Tenebrae> and then they call themselves righteous for not giving into the “big charities”
[18:59] <RPharazon> Oh no, the dog is uncomfortable and yipping!
[18:59] <Tenebrae> it’s all an excuse for lazyness
[18:59] <Tenebrae> wallyweb, yep!
[19:00] <RPharazon> They see the child dying of hunger, unable to move, wracked with pain, a skeleton with skin.
[19:00] <RPharazon> No, the dog is more important.
[19:00] <Tenebrae> RPharazon, they don’t see the kid right there.
[19:00] <Tenebrae> in front of them
[19:00] <Tenebrae> they see their precious dog, right there, in front of hi
[19:00] <Tenebrae> one of those constantly shaking chihuahua things
[19:00] <Tenebrae> they don’t see the kid right in front of them
[19:00] <Tenebrae> that’s my point
[19:00] <RPharazon> Yes.
[19:00] <Tenebrae> what i’d like to do, is wrangle a bunch of orhpans from Tijuana one day
[19:01] <Tenebrae> and dump them one by one on people’s doorsteps in Beverly Hills
[19:01] <Tenebrae> and see what happens
[19:01] <RPharazon> They will make the child do gardening work.
[19:01] <Tenebrae> Lol.
[19:01] <RPharazon> They do not care that it is a child.
[19:01] <RPharazon> They care that it is a sub-human Mexican or something.
[19:01] <RPharazon> Gar.
[19:01] <Tenebrae> if they see a kid with tattered clothing, I think maybe they would care

[19:02] <Tenebrae> it’s just, I dunno
[19:02] <Tenebrae> people are just lazy
[19:02] <wallyweb> All they will do ias say “Look at that poor kid, will you”
[19:02] * lobster_MB (~michielbr@86.89.201.189) has joined ##################
[19:03] <Tenebrae> it just, it really sucks, that most of the people who care, are usually the ones who don’t have enough money to do something about it
[19:03] <wallyweb> lobster_MB: GOOD MORNING!
[19:03] <Tenebrae> or who don’t have enough resources to do something to help
[19:03] <Tenebrae> I, myself, even, have built my own little world around me, I have to pay rent, and to do that, I have to go to work
[19:03] <Tenebrae> work causes stress, I want stress relief, I get Internet
[19:03] <Tenebrae> I have to work more to pay the Internet
[19:04] <Tenebrae> I get a boyfriend, wanna stay in touch with him, my parents, my friends who are also stress relief
[19:04] <Tenebrae> I get a phone
[19:04] <Tenebrae> gotta work more to get a phone
[19:04] <wallyweb> Tenebrae: The problem is the greedy bastards at the top who depend upon the misery of those beneath them
[19:04] <Tenebrae> I dunno wally
[19:04] <Tenebrae> I can’t just hate one group of people
[19:04] <Tenebrae> it feels wrong
[19:04] <Tenebrae> it feels extremist
[19:05] <wallyweb> sometimes extremism is reqired
[19:05] <Tenebrae> I can’t just look at the rich bitch who lives on the hill and say “This is all her fault she has all the money she can do more, hate hate hate”
[19:05] <Tenebrae> cause I know that I’m also contributing to that same society
[19:05] <Tenebrae> I’m selling the material that will go in her house/landscape
[19:05] <Tenebrae> I depend on the money she spends
[19:05] <lobster> HARRR
[19:05] <wallyweb> not “hate, hate, hate” … but rather “lok, look, look”
[19:06] <Tenebrae> but, wally
[19:06] * lobster just had a midnight jam with some people
[19:06] <Tenebrae> what if she looks, and then cares
[19:06] <Tenebrae> and spends that money on a charity

[19:06] <Tenebrae> and then I don’t get money
[19:06] <Tenebrae> and I go hungry?
[19:06] <Tenebrae> should I get charity too?
[19:06] <lobster> and now, one more episode of FMA
[19:06] <wallyweb> because she will afford to do both
[19:06] <Tenebrae> not for ever
[19:06] <Tenebrae> she’s gotta go step on more people
[19:06] <Tenebrae> to get more money
[19:06] <Tenebrae> to feed me, and those people
[19:07] <Tenebrae> you could even blame capitalism for it
[19:07] <wallyweb> not really … she can afford to pay a decent wage
[19:07] <Tenebrae> okay, but RPharazon says it’s degrading to work for a rich bitch
[19:07] <wallyweb> no … not capitalism … just simple greed
[19:08] <Tenebrae> well that goes back to the root of greed
[19:08] <Tenebrae> it’s a cycle
[19:08] <wallyweb> It’s only degrading if they don’t pay what the job is worth
[19:08] <Tenebrae> Hah.
[19:08] <Tenebrae> I know plenty of people who get what I would say is fair for the quality of work they give
[19:08] <Tenebrae> and they STILL complain
[19:08] <Tenebrae> my office is full of people like that
[19:09] <Tenebrae> even if my boss is a cheap bastard
[19:09] <Tenebrae> they don’t perform what they should
[19:09] <wallyweb> they STILL complain because they are greedy
[19:09] <Tenebrae> but, wally!
[19:09] <Tenebrae> they have bills to pay!
[19:09] <Tenebrae> they’re not rich!
[19:09] <Tenebrae> they can’t possibly be greedy.
[19:09] <Tenebrae> my BOSS is the greedy one
[19:09] <Tenebrae> for not paying them more

[19:10] <wallyweb> I’ll bet they buy stuff they don’t really need
[19:10] <Tenebrae> well, is that really anyone’s problem?
[19:10] <Tenebrae> they want to get paid for the work they do
[19:10] <wallyweb> yes
[19:10] <Tenebrae> my boss told me once “well, you live with your parents, you can’t possibly have many bills” when I asked him for a pay raise
[19:10] <Tenebrae> is that a fair way to think?
[19:10] <RPharazon> I’m currently doing a financial and budget unit in the little social-indoctrination class required by Alberta Education…
[19:10] <RPharazon> And the examples they give are so petty, it disgusts me.
[19:11] <RPharazon> And then I realize that these are real and believable examples.
[19:11] <RPharazon> Then it disgusts me even more.
[19:11] <wallyweb> Tenebrae: Your boss is wrong to think like that … just as wrong as the employee who wants to do as little work as possible for the most money
[19:12] <Tenebrae> but that’s the way work works
[19:12] <Tenebrae> you have to be as efficient as possible
[19:13] <Tenebrae> gain as much as you can with spending as little as possible
[19:13] <Tenebrae> that’s efficiency
[19:13] <Tenebrae> using as little resources as you have
[19:13] <Tenebrae> to gain as much as you can
[19:13] <Tenebrae> that’s profit
[19:14] <wallyweb> unfortunately business treats people as a resource to be used and disposed of when its all used up
[19:14] <Tenebrae> that’s the way it works
[19:14] <Tenebrae> workers are just another tool
[19:14] <wallyweb> yes … but that does not make it right
[19:15] <Tenebrae> well, no
[19:15] <RPharazon> For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
[19:16] <Tenebrae> RPharazon, I blame you for my headache.

I dunno. People build their lives, build their worlds, and they lose the ability to care about those who aren’t in front of them, those they can’t immediately help.

We need to take care of ourselves, right? We need to strive to not add to the number of deadbeats living off whatever government we have, right?

But what about all the other people who don’t have governments who can help?

Hrm. It’s all so confusing. The best I can see myself doing at the moment, is not adding to the problem. I’m not satisfied with it. But I can comfort myself with the idea that I can strive to make myself better, in hopes of one day being able to come up with a way to solve all this problems, hm?

-T.