Pantry

Sometimes I wish the human brain was like a pantry. The way my mum arranges the pantry is, there’s cans and things (of food) and she keeps them organised by food type. She uses them little by little, and then restocks whatever needs restocking. If there’s some foodstuff we don’t like, she doesn’t buy it (unless it’s something like sardines, which is good for you >_> )

I wish my brain worked that way, to organise memories. I could keep the ones I like, and discard the ones I dislike. If there’s some memory I would be allergic to (the way my little brother is allergic to peanuts) I simply would forget it (as in, not re-stock it, the way my mum doesnt’ restock on peanut butter).

Life would be so much easier for me to deal with, I think, if I didn’t have so many memories that cause me…. that angst, and pain… you know, the kind that puts a really heavy weight on one’s chest, and causes knots in one’s throat.

It’s weird, cause the memories that cause me this “pain” really flip me out. Instead of the usual listener, I become a really really whiny bitch. Like this weekend, while chatting with a couple friends, one friend brought up a situation he’s in with a girl, and is confused about. It reminded me so much of the way the person who hurt me used to tell me about his friends, that it completely ruined my day. Mind you, the friend didn’t ruin my day. Rather, the memory I associated him with, ruined my day. Now that only the pain and guilt of having potentially injured a friend’s feelings (by not being there for him, when he has been there for me so much) are left over, I realize how (for lack of a better word) much of an ungrateful ass I’ve been.

At the time though, I couldn’t really help it. The person who hurt me was such a central part of my life, that now that he’s gone, and my plans are shattered, and there’s nothing there to replace all the angst and grief and fear that he’s left me with, the only things I have to reflect on are that angst and grief and fear. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy.

Other than that, my weekend wasn’t so bad. I really ruined it for myself, as usual. Saturday was quite well (though I had something like mental constipation and I couldn’t concentrate on studying or on writing); but it was otherwise uneventful (which these days is a godsend).

I found out Sunday morning that my mum and siblings wanted to go to Mexico as soon as this next month. For some reason, the idea of my mother and father being away from each other really bothers me (to the point of tears), so I asked if it’d  be better for me to travel in place of my mother. It seemed like a good idea all around, so that’s what’ll be happening.

My siblings and I will be leaving on the 4th, if any tickets are available, and will be returning a week later.

This trip should give me a couple of things to plan out, I think. I’m hoping it’ll keep me busy enough to keep my mind off otherwise painful thoughts. I can’t say I’m excited, but I can certainly try harder to force all that pain to become energy I can use, instead of just letting it cripple me. After all, like a good friend said, we’re still young. Not everyone finds “true love” in their 20s these days, which is a good enough point. There’s still time, I shouldn’t be in any sort of rush. All I need is patience.

It really bugs me that this sort of angst should take up so much of my life. Have I really become like the people I would always criticise for needing the existence of a significant other to validate their own existence? Am I really just afraid of being alone, or… what?

Maybe all I need is to rationalise things a little more. Once I rationalise them, and realise why I’m acting the way I’m acting, I can go back to being happily numb ^.^

Another thing I think fueled my little episode, is my boss. Last Friday he took me aside and asked that I “stop the chitchat” and “leave the chitchat for after hours”. It really bugs me, as I spend 8 hours straight in the office. It’s a bit long to go 8 hours without talking about anything that isn’t work related. It’s sort of difficult to explain, how demanding he is. He’s in a “we’re in a recession” mentality, and is picking on people wherever he can. I’ve decided (once and for all) that after this whole vacation period (for we’re going as a family to Mexico in July) I’ll start looking for another job. I don’t mind earning a bit less. Of course the money’s very good, but to be forced to sit in one place, in one attitude, for 8 hours straight, is more than I can take for my $10.50/hr and 3% commission. It’s just… It’s really quite ridiculous.

But oh well. Have to deal with it for now. At least not forever

I’ve also decided that I may get a puppy, after this vacation period. Of course, the scooter I want to get comes first (I’ll need a way of transporting myself from home to my new job), but I think maybe having a puppy will ebb away at the loneliness I’ve been feeling. I’ve decided, also, on a Border Collie. They’re incredibly smart, and really friendly, very loyal, and they don’t eat much :3

Also! I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that Martin signed onto IRC, and left right before I had a chance to say hi. I woke up feeling sad, and a bit silly, hehe.

To top it all off, I feel as if I’m getting a cold!

I’ll end this post with a silly fact I learned on QI, and have been flaunting all over the place:

In 1987 (the year of my birth) it was discovered that the Greeks made dildoes out of bread.

*hides*