And slowly, you start to realise…

Hi!

I’m really sad today. Three things have me down. One of those three, that I don’t mind sharing, is about my uncle.

My uncle became a hero today! He helped his boss into a hiding place, so he (the boss) wouldn’t be killed. My uncle, though, was shot. A bullet entered his side, and, though the bullet went right through him, and missed any vital organs, the damage was done: it broke two of his ribs, and he was in danger of having those ribs collapse the lung they protected. His treatment would have been much easier, but he’s diabetic. It’s one of the worst complications a blood loss patient could have, they say.

I did my best to keep a confident and happy demeanor for the majority of the day. I could tell some of my relatives were close to having a breakdown but I kept assuring them that my aunt (who is a nurse) saves people in the hospital she works at every day. See, she works at the hospital where my uncle was taken, and he is under her care. All the more reason to be confident that he will be all right.

Even so… I have a horrible gut feeling. Something tells me he may not survive the night. They said he was stable, but I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid something will go wrong. When I feel for sure that things will go right, I don’t doubt. I have a lot of doubt this time. Maybe it’s just anxiety, because he is my favourite and kindest of all uncles…. But I’m really scared for him.

The two other reasons are just social reasons. Thinking about the other two reasons I am sad is what made me remember a song, though. It says :

And slowly, you come to realize
it’s all as it should be
you can only do so much
if you’re game enough
you could place your trust in me
for the love of life
there’s a trade off
we could lose it all
but we’ll go down fighting

The last time I felt low like this, the person I tried to convince to believe in that, with me, didn’t want to. And so we parted ways. And yes, it hurt. It hurt a lot. And it always hurts when I feel like I’m the only one with hope. It always hurts to see people crying, and that hurt, for me, turns into raging frustration. A feeling of frustration that makes me remember all the things I hate about myself. My inability to travel outside of the country, my inability to live on my own, my inability to even do the things I want with the things I have.

But, this song pretty much summed up what I’ve been feeling, to comfort myself. I’m still getting used to thinking this way. It feels like a cop out, but what else is there? Things really are the way they should be.

Things are the way they are for a reason. My uncle was in the right place (at work) at the right time (he saved a life). He’s a hero! I’m so proud of him. But he’s hurt. And there’s nothing I can do, or would be able to do, should he pass away, to ease my mother’s anxiety, fear, and pain. I can only do so much.

There are people who get to know me, and end up not liking me. Some do like me very much, but feel that hoping for more from me is a waste of time, or is meaningless, as someone called it. What can I do? I can only offer what I currently have. I have a lot to offer emotionally, but physically… at the moment, I can only do so much.

There may be people I can trust, out there. I feel there are at least three people (apart from my family) who I can truly trust. And why not trust them? It’s people I’ve shared secrets with. Rather, I’ve traded secrets with them. Not all of them know the same secrets (though maybe one person knows all the secrets and the other two don’t). And maybe, some day, those friendships will go down in flames, for whatever reason. Maybe, some day, these friends will end up hating me. But, I’m going to have hope that it won’t happen that way. I’m going to trust in my own ability to be reasonable, and to be enjoyable, and I will fight this despair I feel from time to time. I will do everything I can, to keep my friends, and to keep the one I love. But there is only so much I can do, right now.

I’m going to trust in my aunt’s and the doctors’ ability to save my uncle. I’m going to trust in my mother’s strength to keep herself together. I’m going to trust my own ability to comfort her. But should they fail, should my mother falter, should I not be able to comfort my mother, I will remember that I am not perfect. I will remember that I am human, and have limited capabilities.

But maybe some day, this despair will get the best of me. And if that should happen, I don’t know what really will happen.

But I’ll definitely not give in without a fight.