PMSing? What?

He did it. My boss did it.
He comes in this morning, somewhat hyper (as Thursday paydays tend to be for him, cause he’s worrying about all the checks he has to sign, and whatnot), and he starts in on his lame jokes.
First he complains about why the price of copper is going up. While talking to one of his vendors he says “It must be one of those stupid… um… Wall Street.. people…”
What??
Then he calls another vendor, and leaves a voice message. Apparently, this vendor is 10% high in the price they gave my boss.
He goes “Why are they trying to sell so high? Everyone’s selling at $XX and those guys want to sell at $XXX? What are they… PMSing.. today?” And, what makes this worse than lame, is that he leaves this message on a *woman’s* voicemail. The vendor’s rep is female. If *she’s* PMSing, he’s in for the chew-out of his life.

*facepalm*

And he’s also doing the walking around with his headset on, yelling into said headset, with customers around… I’m trying to make myself as little and unrecognizable as possible.

Ugh… Embarrassing….

I’m trying to keep an eye on the phone lines, though, and see if I can catch him pretending to talk to someone. Hehehe…. >:3

I don’t care and PayDay

You guys, you guys, wake uuuuuuuup! It’s THURSDAY! Thursday is good for various reason:

1. I get paid today (MONAAAAAAAAYS)

2. It’s the day before Friday

3. I go runnan this afternoon

4. I’ve been working on putting together a website design, and I’m almost done with it! I’ll probably be updating it tonight or tomorrow night, depending on how much coursework I get done

5. I get to feel introspective, and therefore probably release a lot of water weight (through sweat and tears) and get to feel less stressed out so that tomorrow’s exam won’t be the end of me.

Now, getting paid is always gewd. I have a lot of bills to get rid of, but getting paid is still awesome, because I get to pay my bills, therefore having less stress for the next week or so. Less stress is always awesome.

I don’t think that anyone who doesn’t have a work-schedule really appreciates the awesomeness that is Friday. People always say “What’s so good about Friday? It’s just another weekday, right? Shouldn’t you look forward to Saturday?” No, no, no, my friend. Here’s why:

Every morning of every weekday beginning with Monday, I feel like not getting up *at all*. I feel like the most comfortable thing would be to stay in bed, snuggled up with my loofah plush puppy and pillows.

But!

Friday mornings I wake up, and think “This is the last time this week I have to do this. I can do iiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” and push myself to get up and into the shower.

It feels really good to think “This is the last time…” of something unpleasant, isn’t it? Like, when you’ve got a stomach flu, and it’s almost gone, and you’re on the lavatory thinking “This is the last time I’ll have explosive diarrhea.” Or when  you’re in the dentists’ office, and they’re finally gonna put the crown on that molar you had to kill cause of that cavity, and you think “This is the last time I’ll have to deal with that nasty taste.”

Saturday is just an added bonus that I can wake up later than 5am.

Running! I’ve been going running again every afternoon I can manage. I try and get at least a half hour. I’ve found that it’s very relaxing and quite awesome. The thing is… the scale is telling me I’ve gained 5 lbs, which is somewhat annoying. Maybe it’s muscle? Maybe it’s water weight? Maybe, maybe, maybe I’m just a fatass? I don’t really know. I’m going to get more strict on myself, and make sure I don’t get too much salt.

Here’s the introspective part:

I have two friends. Neither one know each other, one’s male, one’s female. They’re in different countries. But, I’m afflicted by similar sentiments for the two (no, I’m not bi). The lives of these friends of mine have taken a turn for the worse in the last 3 or so months. It involves mental breakdowns, school failures, etc. (It’s sort of creepy how similar their cases are, actually :/)

Now, I’ve been stressing out a lot for these friends. For the female more than for the male because I’m closer to her, and we’ve been friends since I can remember, or at least I thought we were… Anywho, I realized something: I care more about them and what happens to them, than they care about themselves.

About a week (maybe less) or so, I went nuts on the male friend. He said something I hate hearing from someone I’m worried about: “I don’t care.”

He said it, just like that. He told me, directly, clearly, without beating around the bush, that he doesn’t care about all the bad things that have been happening to him. My initial thought was, if he doesn’t care, why has he been complaining and crying about it all to me for the last two years? Then what followed was a really bad pain in my chest as I realized that, if he doesn’t care about himself, how could he possibly care about me? How could he possibly care about all the stressing out I’ve been doing on his behalf, trying to think of ways to help (I even came up with meal plans for him, because I figured part of his stress was about not having a good diet and sleeping pattern), crying with him and about him for all the pains he’s had… and he says he doesn’t care? I told him to not talk to me anymore, and have been avoiding him as much as possible.

My female friend hasn’t directly told me “I don’t care”, but I can see it in the things she does and says that she’s wanting to stay the way she was before she had her problems, instead of changing herself so that her problems will be resolved and so that they won’t happen again. She keeps friends that aren’t a good influence on her, people who have extreme problems of their own they can’t solve (anger management, alcoholism, drug addiction, mental instability), and instead of putting into effect the advice I give her, she listens and shrugs me off. I guess it’s an improvement that she doesn’t fight with me about the advice I give her, but, still, I can see and feel she doesn’t want to put the advice (which is sound advice, I would think, like focusing on school work and not watching emotionally detrimental shows) I give her into practice.

So, I just gave up. I don’t like to say I’ve given up on them as people, because if they come to me and not only say “Okay, I’m ready to get my act together” but also DO something to prove that they’re being honest with themselves and with me, I’m completely willing to help them.

I guess I can say, I’ve given up on thinking that I can help them, if that makes any sense.

It’s like I was telling my dad yesterday, when we were discussing the continuing problems between Israel and Palestine. The problem there isn’t political and economic. It’s impossible, it seems, for an outside source (like the US or UN) to be of enough influence on either side, so that peace can be accomplished. What is needed is a tweak in the subconscious. From the articles I’ve read, the hate that these two countries have on each other is something rooted deep within themselves, and it’s now part of their culture, economics and society.

It’s the same thing with these two friends of mine. They need to actively change their subconscious to force themselves to care.

Until they prove that to me, though, I give up. I can’t help them….

Then why do I feel so guilty about it?

Bird Lady

Teehee. Yes, I talk to my burds :3

Bird Video

Pet Peeves II Disclaimer

Oh, Hi!

As I suspected, someone came along and thought that the opinion I exposed in my last post was my own opinion!! Haha!! I trickeded you!

Now, mystery commenter, I will respond first to your comments, and then to Thor-Rune’s.

1. Wich leads to the question – what do you think of capital punishment?

   Comment by Thor-Rune Hansen | May 20, 2009 <!– @ 4:20 pm –> | Reply

2. The bible justifies nothing, since it is written by us fallible humans, not god. The passage of time has twisted the books meaning, and there are quite a few things that have been removed, and added during that passage of time, or even altered to suit the needs of certain persons. There are hundreds of different iterations of the bible, are they all right? At best, the bible offers certain good advices, which modern society already incorporates in it’s very essence.

   Comment by - | May 21, 2009 <!– @ 9:42 am –> | Reply

3. No, but i didn’t ask you what you thought of the bible, i asked you what you thought of capital punishment

   Comment by Thor-Rune Hansen | May 21, 2009 <!– @ 11:32 am –> | Reply

4. I’m not Azarel, and I wasn’t speaking to you.

   Comment by - | May 21, 2009 <!– @ 12:35 pm –> | Reply

First of all, how dare you call me by my first name without telling me yours first! How rude!

Second, you’re right. The Bible has been changed a lot. Lots of parts have been taken out, others have been put in; there are even all sorts of translations and variations of it. But, I was using a widely accepted Bible (both by archealogical scholars and by the general public) and the Bible I grew up with is a respected one as well. The opinion I wrote my last post on is, as far as I can see, legitimate when viewed from that Bible’s perspective. My point in writing that post, is that anyone who says “I’m going to look at it from the Bible’s point of view” had better freakin’ back it up with Bible passages which show how and why that person came to the conclusion they did.

As I said at the end of my post,

“[...] this pretty much goes for anything. If I ask an opinion of someone, and they give me what they think is a scientific opinion, without them having researched the science behind the topic, they annoy me.”

I’m not about to argue the validity of the modern Bible with anyone, because, to be completely honest (and this may be hard to believe), I’m not a Biblical Scholar! Nor am I a scriptural archaeologist, nor do I even practice anything *remotely* similar to the religion I grew up with. I broke away from that lifestyle a long time ago.

A person who really believes and lives by the Bible, however, is obviously going to form their opinions on said book. From what I know of the Bible, there isn’t any recommendation in it that can’t be (in one form or another) applied to modern life, even if it needs some adjustment to accommodate modern civilization. I have no problem with people living by the Bible’s standards, as long as it’s not taken to the point of fanaticism.

But, I’m not going to argue the validity of the Bible with someone as pompous as *you*, Mystery Commenter, because the way you structured your comment made me feel that no matter what I say, or how I say it, I’m not going to convince you, even if I did somehow prove you wrong! So, there!

On the other hand,  your assertiveness intrigues me, and I’m curious as to your opinion regarding Execution

Now, Thor-Rune!

I’ve not formed my opinion about Execution yet.

One one hand, there’s the rage I feel when thinking of how some people are allowed to live, even though they’ve commited such heinous crimes (rape and mutilation, crimes against children, the elderly and the mentally ill). On the other hand, there’s the possibility that a person could have been framed, or that the person was falsely accused. Then again, science really has advanced to a point where (in some cases *NOT ALL*) the criminal’s identity can be determined. Unfortunately, humans haven’t “evolved” to a point where one can trust 100% in their accuracy in interpreting Science, due to bias, dishonesty, or any other number of factors.

There are just way too many variables I’m not familiar with, that make me uncomfortable to form my own opinion. I think that as I learn more about the Criminal Justice system, about victims, about criminals, and about psychology, I may be able to form my own opinion.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is, I don’t feel educated enough to form an opinion.

For now, then, I think I’ll just study and see what happens

Pet Peeves II

Hi!

Please consider this an amendment to the previous Pet Peeves post. Before I begin my rant, I’ll give a little background info:

In my Criminal Justice and English Composition classes, we are sometimes asked to write essays in which we use people’s testimony or in which we use interviews as a form of evidence to support our thesis. One of my most recent essays, for example, was to analyze different responses to the US Law regarding Execution as Capital Punishment (for those convicted of 1st Degree Murder with Aggravating Circumstances). I was more than happy to interview tons of people (both online and offline); I’m a very curious person when it comes to the opinion of those around me.

Every once in a while, when I would ask someone “What’s your opinion regarding Execution as a form of Capital Punishment? Is it too harsh? Is it justified?” etc., someone would start off with a “Well, if I look at it from the religious point of view, it’s not really okay, since the Bible says that only God has the right to take and give life.”
Now, there are various things that irk me about this response.

First of all, in the Hebrew Scriptures, the Entire 20th Chapter of Leviticus gives parameters dictating what crimes/sins are punishable by death (note that murder is amongst them).

The very first part says: “Any Israelite or any alien living in Israel who gives [a] any of his children to Molech must be put to death. The people of the community are to stone him.” (Molech being sometimes used as a generic name for “false gods” or “pagan gods” from other countries.) As seen here, the very citizens of Israel were allowed, nay! REQUIRED to put the transgressor to death!

So, even the ancient Israelites were given permission (by the Almighty himself) to judge and execute any person who filled certain parameters in his crime. (With proper evidence, of course, the guidelines of which are given in this same book.)

Now, the Old Testament also speaks of a place where murderers could go to. A “place of refuge”, where murderers or those convicted of negligent manslaughter could go to or could be sentenced to. It’s sort like our time’s “life imprisonment without possibility of parole”… But even if a murderer would run to this place (say, for example, a man kills his wife, and he runs away before he is given a trial and sentenced), then the family of the victim is entitled to hunt him down, take him out of the “city of refuge” and present him to trial (I guess sort of like modern day bounty hunters? Except the family doesn’t get paid or anything, they do it because they want to see justice done). If he is found guilty and sentenced to death, the family of the victim (or the victim, in cases where murder isn’t the crime) has the right to “throw the first stone”!

Now, some may argue, “Well that’s the Old Testament, the New Testament/Greek/Christian scriptures are what matters.”

I invite those some to consider the following text: Romans 13 : 1-4, which speaks about the authorities/governments of the time, and which most religious scholars apply to modern governments. Now, I’m not saying “Listen to everything the government says, they’re always right, be blind and follow!” Of course not, I’m an advocate of questions. Always question your government, both its actions and its ideas.

But, as far as punishments dealt by the government, (police forces, the prison system, etc.), please notice especially verse 4, which reads: “For he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer“.

In the time of the Greek/Roman Christians, the Old Testament was used as a guideline to judge those who had committed sins. The writer of this text most likely had in mind the Hebrew Scriptures when writing this passage.

It makes sense, if one really thinks about it:

If God has set guidelines, and the government(s) in question are (to some extent, I suppose) keeping to these guidelines by protecting society from those unfit to live in it, either by execution, or by imprisonment, it would make sense to think that God approves, and would allow such an institution from continuing to protect/serve humanity. The Police Department Motto does say “to serve and to protect”.

Now, some may argue that it would be barbaric to have the community go out and stone a murderer to death. It would be a modern day lynching (for lack of a better word). Well, perhaps in society such as the one we live in (where one can get sued for looking at someone wrong >_> ) it would be somewhat barbaric for one to deal out the punishment. But, that’s why the New Testament points out that it’s the *authorities* who are the ones to deal out both judgment and punishment. The last passage mentioned goes on to talk about “giving what is due” to the authorities (tribute, taxes, respect, etc.) and more or less encouraging those who read the passage to cooperate with the Law whenever possible (as in, whenever a Law does not contradict or clash with a guideline or principle set by God through the Bible).

So, in essence, the Bible does *not* condone Execution as Capital Punishment. Rather, it condones Murder, which is what those being executed are found guilty of. The Bible encourages fair trials, and has strict guildelines about evidence necessary to find any person guilty of any crime/sin.

*deep breath*

Now, the second part of the statement that peeves me is that, when asking the person I’m interviewing whether they’re religious or not they say “Well, no, I’m atheist” or “Well, no, I’m agnostic.”

My first inner reaction is “…. Well… WTF?! Why are you giving me an opinion based on the Bible then?!”

My second inner reaction is “Oh, but maybe this person is like me and, although doesn’t practice the religion he/she grew up with, knows plenty enough about the Bible to form an opinion on it.”

So, I ask “Oh, so do you read the Bible often, or did you grow up in a religious family?” (It’s common knowledge that one will often base one’s opinions on how one grew up, or what one was taught as one grew up.)

By far the most popular response was a “lolno! I’m just trying to look at it from a different perspective than mine! *doofus smile*”

GAH! and again GAH!

I’m asking these peopel THEIR opinions!!! I’m not asking them the Pope’s opinions, or their local evangelical preacher’s opinions!!! NO NO NO NO NO! *smacks interviewees hand with ruler*

You haven’t ever studied the Bible, much less read it, and you don’t even know whether or not you believe in God. WHAT IN THE NAME OF PANCAKES MAKES YOU THINK YOU ARE EDUCATED ENOUGH TO FORM AN OPINION  BASED ON THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT!!!!

When I ask you your opinion, give me YOUR OPINION. Not the opinion you *think* a religious person might have, you DOOFUS!

*deep breath*

Excuse me readers. Unless  you were one of the JACKASSES who gave me the responses that irked me so much, please disregard the insults.

But this pretty much goes for anything. If I ask an opinion of someone, and they give me what they think is a scientific opinion, without them having researched the science behind the topic, they annoy me.

If I’m interviewing someone, what I want to know is what *that person* thinks, based off of what *that person* already knows. I don’t care what that person thinks another person might say (unless it’s what I’m asking >_>).

Okay I’m done….

(Wow, that felt good >:3 )

Introducing: Heracles, Seven, Sophie

Ohai!

As Thor-Rune rightly pointed out, I didn’t keep my promise of posting new pictures of babies! Shame on me! *smacks own hand with rules*

But I finally did get around to it, what, a week later? lol

Buh.

Oh, Hi!

I’ve not been here for quiet a long time :O

Let’s see, where to start….

So the surgery was a success; I have no more tonsils! Not only that, I lost like, I dunno how many kilos due to having only fruit smoothies and ice cream for almost three weeks straight. I’m not anemic (I’m quite healthy apparently), so that’s good. The downside is, my body’s doing…. strange things.

An example is when I try to chug something (as in, drink it very quickly, usually out of thirsty), it’ll end up coming out of my nose (the liquid in question). The first time that happened, I was having a strawberry smoothie (milk, sugar, strawberries, blended together for deeleeshoos drink). It was surprisingly painful to try and pick the leetol strawberry seeds out of my nose ._.

Another example is when I drink soda (i.e. Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew). Instead of getting “fizz” up my nose, it happens in my ears! I’ll have to sit there for about 20 seconds (yes, I timed it, 20 seconds average) and not be able to hear much. Hopefully this won’t occur for the rest of my life, though I’ve decided to not drink soda for a bit and see what happens.

I also have trouble speaking. My tongue won’t seem to move the right way with certain words, like “bowl” or “trouble”. It’ll end up coming out as “bool” and “troobl”. It’s somewhat funny, but also embarrassing. Then again, this has lessened over time, so I figure it’s just a matter of re-learning how to use the muscles that have been left behind.

As far as tonsils go, those are the only inconveniences I can think of….

Oh yeah! I have glasses now! I don’t remember what the subscription is, off the top of my head, but below is a new picture. You know what, for the purposes of before and after, let’s give you all before & after pictures. (Sheesh, my nose is huge ._. )

>>BEFORE<<

~~AFTER~~

It’s sort of nuts, huh? I daresay, I’m pleased with the look. (Even my acne problem isn’t so much of a problem anymore.)

I’ve been getting a lot of compliments from various people. I realised I was on a weight “plateau” prior to this surgery, and I guess my body needed something sort of extreme to getting my metabolism jogging again. Since the surgery, I’ve not gained a single kilo.

Moving on:

School has been going rather well. I got a 90% on my most recent exam (it was on the US Court system). Also, I’ve finally reached a new level of inner peace by changing my mind on what career I want to pursue.

Ever since I was a kid, I thought I wanted to be a Crime Scene Investigator. Science likes me, and I like Science (especially Chemistry). I like analyzing stuff (to be blunt/basic). But! I realized I had been wanting to analyze the wrong stuff.

I’ve always sort of had a knack for understanding how people feel and a knack for knowing how to read people. I can almost always tell when a person is lying, or telling the truth. I can pretty much feel what a person is feeling, either by looking at them, listening to what they have to say, or a combination of both. What I need to do is deal with live people, not dead people. I think I can use this (I flatter myself here) “talent” to help people, more than if I analyzed crime scenes. SO! I decided (while in the shower on one lovely Wednesday evening) that I’ll be a Forensic Psychologist.

Everywhere I look, I get the impression that it isn’t going to be an easy road *at all*. It’s definitely going to be tough, but I think I can handle it. I like talking to people, I like understanding people, I like knowing why people do the things they do, react the way they do, and think the way they do. Truth be told, my English Composition skills were markedly higher than my Chemistry skills.

And what’s great about it is, the current branch of Science I’m getting my bachelor’s in right now applies to this same field! Yay!

Let’s see… OH!! OH OH OH OH OH!! I ALMOST FORGOT!! THE BABIES ARE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!

Monkey & Pachona’s chicks hatched! I’ll be posting new pictures tonight, and may also be uploading a video

On the family front, things aren’t so great. There have been a lot of things that have been happening lately, none good. But we’re holding in there as a family, and we’re sure to get through it. There are some things that just need time, to pass, and patience.

On the upside, we’ll be moving house soon-ish. By “soon-ish” I figure within the next 2-3 months. I’m quite fed up living the house we live in at the moment. The only good thing about it is the ridiculously big back yard. Hopefully we’ll be able to get a house that’s in better condition and has the same size back yard \o/

I’m also back at work! I’ll blog later in the weekend about something my lovely boss had the audacity to do, but for now, I think I’ll leave it this post here

*wiggles*

Mexico 2009

Hi!

So, about a week ago my brother, sister and I decided we wanted to go to Mexico even though my parents had to cancel their trip. See, my dad’s the sales supervisor where we work, and my boss will be out of the office for most of next week (or so he says). So my dad has to be in every day to cover.

My siblings and I decided we want to visit Mexico anyway (it was the original plan). First we decided on one week. Then I figured, since I’m over there, and my aunt is a nurse and works at a hospital, I may as well ask to get my enlarged tonsils taken out. They didn’t usually bug me (the tonsils I mean) but lately I feel as if they’re… getting disconnected from my throat. It’s sort of scary, and painful, and for a couple mins I feel as if I can’t talk.

My aunt suggested that I take two weeks, due to the recovery time. I was hesitant, at first: I wouldn’t be getting these two weeks paid. See, I only get a week’s vacation time paid, and my family wanted us to visit Mexico (again) in the summer, so I figured I would ask for my vacation time to be applied then. But, I dunno, I’ve not decided yet on how to handle that yet. We’ll see what happens.

Anywho, my siblings and I leave (via bus) from Los Angeles to Durango, Mexico tomorrow morning. The bus goes out at 7am… Need I mention I am terrified?

I’ve never been out of the country, much less being in charge of my siblings. It’s going to be a long trip, it’ll take about a day and a half, and I’m sort of wondering now whether or not I should have opted for air transportation. It’s…. scary, the stories I have heard about people getting lost/kidnapped at the US-MX border. Hopefully we won’t have to get off of the bus very often. I figure a rest-stop once or twice would be fine….

Bah, I’m just horribly anxious. Both about the surgery, and the trip itself. I’ll be glad when I’m safely at my grandparents’ house, and safely back at my parents’ house.

._.

Burgers & Coffee

Hi!

I had a Burger King Whopper for lunch today, for the first time in… Oh I dunno, almost a month, I think. I noticed something I’ve been getting into the habit of doing, and I wonder if it’s because of the “diet” I’ve put myself on.

I took a bite of the burger and, although it’s one of my favourite burgers, it really tasted icky D:

I’ve been eating a lot healthier lately, mostly vegetables and fruits, cereals and things with lots of fiber, and I’ve been feeling great. It really *is* amazing what an improvement I’ve felt since making these changes. I also make sure to always have breakfast in the morning. Since I’ve done this, I feel more energy, I feel like I can focus better, etc. etc.

This could all be psychological, but, hey, it’s making me feel good! Not only that, I have lost weight :O

I used to eat less food (quantity), but with a higher fat/caloric value, and I always felt sluggish, and felt the need to have coffee in the morning to wake up and function well. But, not anymore!

Anyway, back to the burger. I took the bite (ick) and started peeling back the bread. I pretty much ended up discarding the bread, and eating just the lettuce and veggies, and meat and cheese. ( <3 cheese)

I was wondering if maybe I could cut out bread completely from my diet, and not have any at all, since I’ve developed such an aversion to it, and not have my health suffer for it. Even though whole-wheat bread is supposedly good for digestion, lately I just don’t feel the desire for it. My cravings are more green things like salads and such.

Here’s another thing: Decaf.

I have tried about 5 different brands of decaffeinated coffee, and PLEH!

Really, why does it taste so horrible!? Does anyone know of any company out there that makes a decaffeinated cup o’ joe that doesn’t taste like crap?

I mean, jeez, even Sanka tastes better ._.

For now I don’t mind dealing with Earl Grey every morning (Twinnings is especially nice), but I do miss the taste of Coffee

What else what else… Oh! The Mexico trip has been canceled while my parents figure out whether or not they want to join us. Apparently it’d be cheaper to travel by car there and back, than for us to hop on a plane/bus and travel that way.

While they figure that out, I have to figure out what I’m gonna do about my birds. I can always leave tons of food for them, but parakeets need a daily source of fresh water to stay healthy. See, they sometimes bathe or dunk themselves in the water (out of being silly, or as a way to cool down), so they’ll leave feathers and droppings in the water. The last thing I want is to come home from a great trip to discover that all my birds died of poop-poisoning ;_;

AND SO! I have though about putting a little fountain type of thing in their cage. Maybe use an aquarium pump and a water filter, to filter the water, and pump the water, so they can have fresh water. That’ll also eliminate the need for me to change their water daily (not that I mind, sometimes I rush it though, since I get busy).

But the cooffeeeeeee, any suggestions? I wish Lewis was still around, he’d probably know a good decaf ;_;

I miss Lewis ;________________________;

Pantry

Sometimes I wish the human brain was like a pantry. The way my mum arranges the pantry is, there’s cans and things (of food) and she keeps them organised by food type. She uses them little by little, and then restocks whatever needs restocking. If there’s some foodstuff we don’t like, she doesn’t buy it (unless it’s something like sardines, which is good for you >_> )

I wish my brain worked that way, to organise memories. I could keep the ones I like, and discard the ones I dislike. If there’s some memory I would be allergic to (the way my little brother is allergic to peanuts) I simply would forget it (as in, not re-stock it, the way my mum doesnt’ restock on peanut butter).

Life would be so much easier for me to deal with, I think, if I didn’t have so many memories that cause me…. that angst, and pain… you know, the kind that puts a really heavy weight on one’s chest, and causes knots in one’s throat.

It’s weird, cause the memories that cause me this “pain” really flip me out. Instead of the usual listener, I become a really really whiny bitch. Like this weekend, while chatting with a couple friends, one friend brought up a situation he’s in with a girl, and is confused about. It reminded me so much of the way the person who hurt me used to tell me about his friends, that it completely ruined my day. Mind you, the friend didn’t ruin my day. Rather, the memory I associated him with, ruined my day. Now that only the pain and guilt of having potentially injured a friend’s feelings (by not being there for him, when he has been there for me so much) are left over, I realize how (for lack of a better word) much of an ungrateful ass I’ve been.

At the time though, I couldn’t really help it. The person who hurt me was such a central part of my life, that now that he’s gone, and my plans are shattered, and there’s nothing there to replace all the angst and grief and fear that he’s left me with, the only things I have to reflect on are that angst and grief and fear. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy.

Other than that, my weekend wasn’t so bad. I really ruined it for myself, as usual. Saturday was quite well (though I had something like mental constipation and I couldn’t concentrate on studying or on writing); but it was otherwise uneventful (which these days is a godsend).

I found out Sunday morning that my mum and siblings wanted to go to Mexico as soon as this next month. For some reason, the idea of my mother and father being away from each other really bothers me (to the point of tears), so I asked if it’d  be better for me to travel in place of my mother. It seemed like a good idea all around, so that’s what’ll be happening.

My siblings and I will be leaving on the 4th, if any tickets are available, and will be returning a week later.

This trip should give me a couple of things to plan out, I think. I’m hoping it’ll keep me busy enough to keep my mind off otherwise painful thoughts. I can’t say I’m excited, but I can certainly try harder to force all that pain to become energy I can use, instead of just letting it cripple me. After all, like a good friend said, we’re still young. Not everyone finds “true love” in their 20s these days, which is a good enough point. There’s still time, I shouldn’t be in any sort of rush. All I need is patience.

It really bugs me that this sort of angst should take up so much of my life. Have I really become like the people I would always criticise for needing the existence of a significant other to validate their own existence? Am I really just afraid of being alone, or… what?

Maybe all I need is to rationalise things a little more. Once I rationalise them, and realise why I’m acting the way I’m acting, I can go back to being happily numb ^.^

Another thing I think fueled my little episode, is my boss. Last Friday he took me aside and asked that I “stop the chitchat” and “leave the chitchat for after hours”. It really bugs me, as I spend 8 hours straight in the office. It’s a bit long to go 8 hours without talking about anything that isn’t work related. It’s sort of difficult to explain, how demanding he is. He’s in a “we’re in a recession” mentality, and is picking on people wherever he can. I’ve decided (once and for all) that after this whole vacation period (for we’re going as a family to Mexico in July) I’ll start looking for another job. I don’t mind earning a bit less. Of course the money’s very good, but to be forced to sit in one place, in one attitude, for 8 hours straight, is more than I can take for my $10.50/hr and 3% commission. It’s just… It’s really quite ridiculous.

But oh well. Have to deal with it for now. At least not forever

I’ve also decided that I may get a puppy, after this vacation period. Of course, the scooter I want to get comes first (I’ll need a way of transporting myself from home to my new job), but I think maybe having a puppy will ebb away at the loneliness I’ve been feeling. I’ve decided, also, on a Border Collie. They’re incredibly smart, and really friendly, very loyal, and they don’t eat much :3

Also! I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that Martin signed onto IRC, and left right before I had a chance to say hi. I woke up feeling sad, and a bit silly, hehe.

To top it all off, I feel as if I’m getting a cold!

I’ll end this post with a silly fact I learned on QI, and have been flaunting all over the place:

In 1987 (the year of my birth) it was discovered that the Greeks made dildoes out of bread.

*hides*